My big dilemma

I have a BIG BIG dilemma at the moment. I am going to finish my PhD soonish (good grief, I must, I am already a year late!!). So I need to decide what to do next around nowish. Because if I want to do a postdoc, especially an overseas postdoc, I need to organise it soon.

I am finishing a PhD in astronomy. I like what I do. I love numbers, I love data analysis, I like lecturing. And now is exactly the right time to be in astronomy in South Africa - astronomy is really booming. We have lots of big astronomy projects going on (SALT, MeerKAT, SKA), there are lots of opportunities in astronomy. The South African government, almost inexplicably, is enthusiastically backing astronomy projects.

So it almost seems like a "for such a time as this" thing.

So if I want to launch myself into a career as an astronomer, what I should probably do now is a postdoc overseas somewhere. Spend a year or two getting some international exposure, making some contacts, learning some skills, getting some experience. Then I could either carry on working overseas. Or come back home and bring my experience back, join the astronomy community here.

I really don't want to settle overseas. I suppose that could change, but for the moment I really really want to settle in South Africa. So doesn't the second option above just sound ideal? Go overseas, work in some interesting research group, bring the skills back home and join one of the astronomy teams here!

But here is the thing. Whenever I talk about doing a postdoc overseas, I cry. This is not an exaggeration, I really cry. Its by force of will that I surf the web looking for info on overseas postdocs. I just desperately desperately don't want to leave SA.

Its not about leaving family or friends, although I will be sad to leave family and friends. It is hard to understand even for myself exactly what it is about. But somehow the thought of leaving SA just makes my heart break.

I have travelled overseas before, to Australia for about a week and to the US for a month or two at a time a few times for work. I'm not afraid of being lonely. I like to travel. I like experiencing different parts of the world.

Maybe I'm just being a diva, I don't know. I went to a panel discussion about "The state of our constitutional democracy" this evening, which was pretty good. And as one of the panelists was ending off an answer to a question I thought about leaving SA and I got all tearful all over again.

I really don't know why I am being so weird about this. I could grit my teeth and survive two years somewhere far away for the sake of learning. And I'm pretty easy going, I'd probably be happy pretty much anywhere.

So why am I making such a fuss?

I don't know really. Sometimes I battle to figure out what is going on in my own heart. I think it may be because I am so conflicted on what I want to do with my life. There is this part of me that loves loves loves numbers, maths, thinking through complex things, mastering a problem, computer coding, data analysis.
But there is this other part of me that worries very very very much about the state of our schools. And Home Affairs. A part of me that things TEACH South Africa is the coolest project ever. And the Equal Education campaign - wonderful. And there is a part of me that feels very strongly that we need as a nation to unearth and study our own literature. And that we need more mobile libraries. And and and... :)

Gah, it sounds like I am saying "I want to make a difference in the world." How utterly cheesy. I suppose that is sort of what I am saying though.

If I live my life, do my science, get some great exposure overseas, do some cool research, come back home and get a nice post somewhere and write papers and maybe get a "Prof" before my name. Well, for what?

I want the story about my life to be about more than me, you know?

So I suppose I'm saying that the path of career advancement, it just feels a bit empty.

But I don't know where that leaves me really.
Because... I actually do like what I do. And I want to be good at what I do. And its not as if I have a burning passion to do anything else.

Then there is the other factor, which could be an entire other post on its own. What I do is really difficult. Intellectually difficult, and also difficult because the way to move forward in my field is really to put yourself out there. Meet people, make contacts. Science research is all about collaberation. It is completely telling, for example, that when my supervisor and I made an arrangement to meet at a workshop next week, we made it to meet at the workshop cocktail party. Being a sucessful scientist is all about speaking to the right people at cocktail parties.

I'm sure there are lots of fields like that, actually. But I'm just not sure that I myself am cut out for that sort of thing. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about that sort of thing.

Oh dear!!

Advice??